


Angus McDonald and the Wonderland Escape Rooms

by coppersunshine



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Found Family, Gen, edward and lydia grow as people and get a happy ending for once, enemies to family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:55:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28746549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coppersunshine/pseuds/coppersunshine
Summary: A small boy with enormous glasses stood in front of the counter, barely tall enough to see over it. “Hello, I’m Angus McDonald! I would like to escape a room please.”When Angus gets grounded from detecting, to keep his skills sharp he becomes a patron of the Wonderland Escape rooms, run by Edward and Lydia, who quickly decide he's their new nemesis. To their surprise, Angus and the collection of weird adults he's accompanied by decide otherwise.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 59
Collections: The Candlenights Zone (2020 Exchange)





	Angus McDonald and the Wonderland Escape Rooms

**Author's Note:**

> Written for swardofdnd on twitter for the 2020 Candlenights Exchange!

Edward and Lydia were hanging in the back office, watching the video feed and laughing at a bunch of suburban moms failing to open a safe, when the bell to the front door rang. 

“Rock paper scissors?” said Lydia hopefully. 

Edward scoffed. “No way, you’re not getting out of your turn. I handled the last ones.”

She sighed and walked into the front room, plastering on her most welcoming customer service smile. It was a simple waiting room--a counter with a cash register, an assortment of folding chairs, and the dullest, most beige carpet in Faerun. 

“Hi, welcome to Wonderland Escape Rooms, how can I help you?” 

A small boy with enormous glasses stood in front of the counter, barely tall enough to see over it. “Hello, I’m Angus McDonald! I would like to escape a room please.” 

Lydia blinked. “Uh--great. We don’t do walk-ins, but if you’d like to make a reservation for you and your party we can arrange that now.” 

“Party?” asked the boy. 

“Yeah, like, who are you going to be doing the room with?” 

“With myself.” 

“That’s… not really how this works.”

“I’m the world’s greatest detective!” he said. “Except I got grounded from cases, so I thought I’d try an escape room to keep in practice.”

Lydia snorted with laughter, turning it into a cough just a second too late for a smooth recovery. 

“Of course.... Do you have payment?” 

The boy solemnly plunked three huge gold pieces on the counter and any snarky comments Lydia had been tempted to make were suddenly no longer temping. Money was money, after all. 

“Well, in that case, there’s a room that’s empty right now. Shall I get you started?”

“Yes, please!” Angus beamed. “I’m very excited to try an escape room, I’ve never done one before. It’ll be fun seeing how my detecting skills translate to a contrived environment.”

“Yes, I suppose so,” said Lydia blandly. 

She led him down the hall into the back of the building, pulled out her keys to unlock an unassuming door on the left, and flicked on the lights. She had done this enough by now the spiel was pure autopilot. “Now, this box is the intercom. If you need help for any reason, just press the green button and you can talk to us. There’s cameras set up around the room, so we’ll be able to see where you’re at in the room and how you’re doing. Have fun, and good luck.” Lydia left, closing the door and locking Angus inside. 

The room was dimly lit, with lots of wooden boxes and sacks piled up. A ledger lay open on one of the boxes, a lamp sitting next to it casting an inviting light. Angus eagerly walked over to it and began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lydia burst dramatically into the back room. “Edward, my dear brother, our afternoon is looking up!” 

“What happened?”, he drawled, lazily spinning in his office chair. 

“A fucking child just booked the Woeful Warehouse. By himself. Paid in gold, too.” She giggled. “I got to take money from a child _and_ we’ll get to see him cry.”

Edward smirked. “There’s no way he’ll be able to do it. That’s our hardest room, even the guard academy failed that one.” 

“Bets on when he has a breakdown?”

“I’ll put ten gold on twenty minutes.”

“I don’t know, he looked pretty wussy. Fifteen.” 

“Deal.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ledger was written in a rudimentary cipher, just a basic substitution that Angus quickly determined could be unscrambled using a key word. He tried the obvious options--the name of the fake company on the crates and the location on the labels--neither of which worked. Which meant he was missing something, and there was detecting to be done. 

Angus grinned and pulled out his magnifying glass. He hadn’t had this much fun in _ages_. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Fuck, did he just solve the runic puzzle?” 

“He just solved the runic puzzle,” confirmed Edward despondently. 

“Jeezy creezy, who the fuck _is_ this kid.” Lydia pounded on their desk, sending kitschy office toys flying. 

“He’s halfway through and it’s only been ten minutes.” 

“Be glad we put him in the hardest room,” said Lydia. “Imagine how fucking depressing this’d be if he was in the fuckin Office Escape room.” 

Edward snorted. “Gods, we never did come up with a better name for that, did we.” 

The intercom from the Office Escape room chimed. 

“Oh thank gods, impeccable timing. Wanna bully some old ladies to feel better?” 

“You know me,” Edward said, “Always.” 

Lydia hit the button to answer. “How y’all doing in there?” she said, sickly sweet. 

“We need a hint,” the lady in the room demanded. “These puzzles are simply impossible!” 

“A hint, huh?” said Edward. “What’s it worth to you?” 

The lady huffed, affronted. “Excuse me?” 

Lydia snorted. “Honey, we can’t just give away our secrets! You have to _earn_ them.” 

“Now listen here!” said the woman. “I demand you give us a hint! Or I shall report you to the Fantasy Better Business Bureau!” 

“Oh, you’re just adorable,” said Edward. “But that hardly encourages us to let you _out,_ now does it?” 

Edward and Lydia beamed twin shit-eating grins at one another. This, now _this_ was what the job was all about. 

“Are you threatening me?” said the lady, with incandescent rage. 

“Not at all,” said Lydia. “Now, dear, if you examine your contract you will find that this is, as the sign over our door says, an _escape_ room, and we are under no obligation to provide you with the means to escape, only a reasonable route to success provided you’re clever enough to find it. Good luck!” 

As soon as she had turned off the intercom Edward and Lydia devolved into uncontrollable laughter, Lydia slipping off her chair and falling onto the drifts of paperwork that lined the floor, which only made them laugh harder. 

“What an entitled fucking moron,” said Edward, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “Like the Fantasy Better Business Bureau gives a shit.” 

“How long d’you think we should let the old bats stew? Couple hours at least?” 

“Oh for sure. Walk that fine line between real fucking mad but not quite property-damage mad as long as we can. Pure comedy gold.” 

“I swear, we should be selling these tapes. Make the fuckwits sign a waiver and put them on TV. We’d make a killing.” 

"Gods, I wish. Give me that sweet sweet exploitative fantasy reality TV cash. Nothing like taking money from fools."

"People sure are fucking stupid."

"Sure are."

Just then, the bell dinged that indicated a room had been completed. 

"Mother of fuck," said Edward, the smug grin on his face devolving to a scowl. "Please tell me it's not the kid."

"It's the kid," Lydia confirmed. “Fucking embarrassing.” 

“Who knows,” said Edward sardonically, “Maybe he _is_ the world’s greatest detective.” 

Lydia rolled her eyes. “Sure, and I’m the Raven Queen. He’s just some twerpy nerd kid.” She sighed. “I guess I’ll go deal with him.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angus stood in the waiting room, awkwardly shifting back and forth. His face lit up when Lydia stepped out of the office. "Hello, miss!"

Lydia smiled smoothly. "Well, you finished that fast!"

Angus pushed up his glasses. "Did I? It wasn't that hard." 

Despite herself, Lydia's lips thinned, something the boy clearly picked up on.

"Oh, it was quite good!" he assured her. "I'm sure most people would have trouble, but I'm the world's greatest detective, after all!" He furrowed his brow. "Some of the puzzles _could_ have been harder, but the one with the magnets was pretty tricky. It was lucky I studied magnetic puzzle locks last week, or I might not have gotten it."

"Well," said Lydia. "I'm glad we could provide you with temporary diversion, at least."

"Oh yes! This is the most detecting I've gotten to do all week. Can I schedule a room for next week too, please?"

Internally, Lydia groaned--she wanted nothing more than to never see the brat again--but she was careful to smile warmly and plaster on her chirpiest customer service persona. "Of course. Let me check the schedule." She pulled out their schedule book and glanced through the pages. "Will next Friday at 3 work?"

"Oh yes, that'll be perfect, thank you!"

"Have a good day now." she said, pointedly walking him to the door and holding it open. 

"You too, ma'am! See you next week!" 

Angus skipped down the street, Lydia's smile dropping as soon as his back had turned. “I’m the world’s greatest detective” she mocked. Scowling, she stormed into the office, flinging the door open. 

"We are _not_ going to lose to a child again. It’s too goddamn embarrassing.”

Edward looked up from the tabloid he was reading. "Did the little nerd book another slot?"

She growled. "The little nerd did."

"What a nuisance. I do so loathe a repeat customer. It means we weren’t mean enough the first time." 

“We didn’t get a _chance_ to be mean. He didn’t ask for help once.” Lydia paced back and forth--something of a feat in their small office. "We have a week to make the best, hardest, most impossible goddamn escape room ever created. And when that little smarmy twerp comes back I am going to put him in that room and watch that smug little detective smile fall off his face."

Edward yawned. "Sounds like a lot of work."

"Do you _want_ to be beaten by a child again?"

"Oh, fine. I suppose we must uphold our good name as the hardest escape rooms in Faerun--even if that is just a marketing schtick," he muttered. 

“Great,” Lydia said. “I’m going to the library, we have research to do. Don’t have too much fun with those old bats until I’m back.” 

“No promises.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lydia staggered into the building, weighed down by a pile of weighty books with names like ‘The Art and Science of Coded Messages’ and ‘Schwalter’s Book of Extreme Puzzling’. She heaved them onto the counter, where the stack toppled over with a thud. 

Edward strolled out of the back office. “Oh good, it’s you,” he said. “I was afraid it was a customer. Fuck, how many books did you get?” 

“Oh, just a few,” Lydia panted. “I wanted to cover all our bases.” 

Edward picked one up. “Schwalter? What kind of name is Schwalter?” 

“The kind of name that condemns you to being _way_ too invested in puzzles, apparently.” 

“Y’know, I didn’t miss the studying,” said Edward. “Wasn’t the point of going straight and running this dumb place to stop studying?” 

“I’m pretty sure it was so we wouldn’t end up in jail. Or dead. Or in death jail.” 

“Right, not having to pour over musty old tomes anymore to learn crime magic was just a perk.” 

Lydia picked up one of the books and blew a billow of dust off of the cover. “Just lean into the nostalgia. Besides, these old books don’t come with curses or booby traps.” 

“But those were the _fun_ part,” Edward said drolly. “Here, I’ll help you haul these into the back. I guess we have actual work to do.” 

“Please, you were getting just as bored as I was. Mundane life doesn’t involve nearly enough scheming.” 

“I admit no such thing. I have my image as a disaffected dandy to uphold.” He sniffed with exaggerated disdain. 

“You know, Lyd, we really oughta figure out a theme before we start on this puzzle nonsense. You know as much as me it’s all about the staging.” 

Lydia furrowed her brow, thinking. “Well...they say write what you know, yeah? We could do some underworld crime magic themed shit.” 

“Oh, good call. God knows we’ve seen enough shitty third-rate crime dens to pull from for decor inspiration.” 

“Decor might be too strong of a word,” Lydia snorted. “Junk pile?” 

“Cheap to set up, anyway. Ooh, we should hit up the flea market! You know I love the flea market.” 

Lydia rolled her eyes, smiling. “You love haggling with the vendors until they break, you mean.” 

“Same difference,” he said. “They’re still open for a couple hours today. We can close up early and head down now.” 

“Fine, fine,” Lydia threw up her hands. “You’re buying me food, though.” 

Edward clapped his hands together. “Wonderful! Grab your keys, let’s _go_.” 

They quickly closed up the shop, closing the curtains, flipping the sign on the door, and locking it behind them before they headed down the street. Edward was practically cavorting. 

“Wait--did those old coots ever get out of the office room?” said Lydia. 

Edward grinned impishly. “Who knows?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Can you please be nice, sir?” asked Angus plaintively. 

Taako tipped back in his chair precariously. “No promises, D’jangus. Cha’boy’s gotta entertain himself somehow while you do the boring escaping thing. C’mon, do you know how many different ways I could have gotten out of here already?” He scoffed. “I’m a wizard, I don’t do _puzzles_. Just blast through the door like I taught you and wham bam thank you Pan, room escaped.”

Angus sighed, “That ruins the point of the game.” 

“Well, then it’s a shitty game, huh Agnes? There should be a magic escape room, make you really work for it. Either way, seems silly to escape a fake dungeon when you could just escape a real one.” 

“I _could_ be escaping a real dungeon,” said Angus pointedly. “But _someone_ grounded me from detectiving.” 

“Touche. Also, that was definitely ‘Creesh, blame her, bubbeleh.” 

Angus sniffed haughtily--a mannerism he had definitely picked up from Taako. “You’re all complicit, sir.” 

“A’ight, fine, fine.” Taako waved a hand airily. “Get on with the escaping then so we can go home, I wanna fuck around and make some bread today.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Thank you so much, Miss Lydia and Mister Edward, I really enjoyed this one! Did you reference Schwalter’s Book of Extreme Puzzling? I recognized the framework on the riddleset.” 

The twins exchanged a wry look. 

“Oh, I glanced through it,” said Edward. “A good escape room designer knows to study the greats.” 

Angus nodded eagerly. “Absolutely, sir! I find it’s always good to have plenty of reference materials on hand when I do my detective work. You never know what will be useful!”

Taako dinged the bell on the counter aggressively, sitting next to the register with his legs swinging impatiently. “Hey, nerds, before y’all go all geek spiral I have some exclusive Taako insights for you.” He hopped off the counter and dramatically drew a scroll from within his cloak, handing it to Lydia. “On the house, this time only.” 

“Uh--thanks?” said Lydia. 

“Natch.” he said. “Now, c’mon Agnes, I’ve got bread to bake. Unless you wanna eat whatever stink Barry comes up with for dinner cause I died of boredom listening to your nerdy puzzle shit.” 

Angus giggled. “But Taako, if you died of boredom I’d just get Lup to make dinner.” 

“Kiddo, if Lup isn’t so torn apart by my untimely demise as to be completely indisposed for the next week I’m disowning her as the worst sister ever. I expect waterworks and wailing.” 

“Well, we wouldn’t want that, would we, sir?” Angus turned to Lydia and Edward. “Thank you so much! I’ll see you next week.” 

They left, the door ringing shut behind them. 

“That elf’s a prick,” said Edward. “I love it.”

Lydia snorted. “Let’s see what’s in this scroll he left us.” She unfurled it, reading aloud: 

_Taako’s Sweet Tips to Make Your Escape Rooms Suck Less:_

  1. _Add some magic elements, my dudes. This puzzle shit might be fun for Agnes, but ya boy needs something more interesting to keep my attention._
  2. _Your ambiance sucks ass. Play a dungeon white noise soundtrack or something, the dead silence of nerds solving puzzles is oppressive as hell._
  3. _The waiting room looks like it was designed by an accountant. I nearly fell asleep just walking in the door it’s so fucking bad. At least add a plant or something, damn._



“What a _prick_ ,” said Edward. 

Lydia frowned. “He’s got a point.”

“You sound like you’re actually starting to care about this, sister.” 

“No--no, it’s just. Might as well, yanno? Besides, this waiting room is _definitely_ not up to our levels of panache. It’s embarrassing for elves as fabulous as us to be surrounded by _beige_ ,” she said, her voice dripping with disdain at the mention of the world’s squarest color. 

Edward wrinkled his nose. “Fair point. It does absolutely nothing for my complexion. And I do so love a renovation montage.” He paused, considering the room. “What are we thinking, disco chic?” 

“Obviously.” She grinned. “When we’re done with it, this sad old place is going to _scream_ fun.” 

Edward cracked his knuckles dramatically. “Let’s burn some spell slots.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The door chimed, and the pair looked up from the (mind-numbingly tedious) book-keeping to see their favorite nemesis walk through the door. Accompanying him this time was a dorky looking middle aged man, with big glasses, scruffy hair, and probably the least fashionable pair of blue jeans to ever grace Faerun. 

“Angus!” said Lydia, sickly-sweet. “How are you doing today?” 

“I am doing excellent, Miss Lydia! I got an A on my math test--not that it was difficult.” 

“Any win is worth celebrating,” said Edward smoothly. “Now, aren’t you going to introduce us?”

“Oh, sorry, sir! This is my friend Barry. Barry, this is Edward and Lydia. They make the best escape rooms!” 

Barry shifted his weight awkwardly. “Uh, nice to meet you.” 

“It’s a pleasure,” said Lydia. 

“What room are we doing this week?” asked Angus eagerly. 

“Oh, you’ll love this one,” said Edward. “It’s called the Lich’s Lair.” He waved his hands dramatically. “We paid the utmost attention to authenticity.” 

“Uh, really?” said Barry, pushing up his glasses. 

“Oh yes,” said Lydia. 

“It’s very important to us that the vibes are immaculate,” chimed in Edward. 

Lydia gestured to the hallway leading back to the escape rooms. “Shall we?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The door shut and locked behind them. Barry cleared his throat awkwardly. “So, uh, how long you been doing these escape rooms again, kid?”

“This is my third time, Mister Barry, sir!” 

“Just Barry,” he said, absentmindedly--it was an ongoing and likely never-ending point of contention. “This is, uh, probably a bad time to mention that I’m claustrophobic, huh?” 

“Really? But the room isn’t particularly small, so if you’re feeling phobic right now you probably actually have cleithrophobia, the fear of being trapped.” 

“Yeah, sure, that,” said Barry glumly. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir, this isn’t the right timing for semantics. Are you doing okay? We can get Miss Lydia and Mister Edward to let us out right now if you need to.” 

“It’s, uh--no, I’ll be okay. What’s a little fear to make the experience more authentic, huh?” 

Angus snickered. “This _is_ supposed to be a lich’s lair, sir! That seems like it’d be a pretty fearful experience to me.” 

Barry gently popped Angus on the shoulder. “Not to notorious student of necromancy, Barry J. Bluejeans.” 

“Shhh,” said Angus, giggling helplessly. “Keep it down, sir, the Raven Queen might hear you and send her terrifying reaper Mister Kravitz after you!” 

Barry snorted. “All right, let’s get this cooking show on the road, huh? You’re the expert, bud, where should we start?” 

“Hmm,” Angus thought intently, chin in his hand. “Why don’t you start looking for clues in the bookshelf, and I’ll look for clues in the desk?” 

“Works for me, kid.” 

They examined the room in silence for a few minutes, the only sound the intense rustling of exploration. Angus carefully studied the desk, examining every surface for hidden drawers, concealed latches, or the ever-tricky magnet locks that Lydia and Edward were so fond of. He had out the big custom magnifying glass that Lucrecia had bought for him, and looked the perfect picture of the clever boy detective--which, of course, he was.

Barry’s technique was more ramshackle. He started by pulling on the books, trying to find a secret door or something, but quickly got absorbed reading titles instead. “Huh, y’know, they did a good job with this, actually. Pretty standard introductory necromancy titles, not anything fancy, not that I’d expect to---whoa, okay, nevermind.”

“What is it, sir?” asked Angus. 

“Oh, they just faked a copy of the Book of Screaming Souls. It’s a nice touch, they had to have done some serious research to know about this. It’s not like, casual necromancy, it’s exactly the kind of thing a lich would have lying around.” He pulled the book off the shelf, “Wonder what poor book they recovered to turn into the most notorious necromantic text of all time.” 

“Maybe a book about sheep, sir!” 

Barry looked at Angus confusedly. 

“Because--because it’d be a sheep in wolf’s clothing?” Angus looked hopeful, then sighed. “I’m sorry, sir, Taako keeps telling me I have a niche sense of humor.” 

“Oh!” Barry snorted. “I mean, I’m not gonna lie to you bud, it’s not _good_ , but it’s maybe a three on the Taako Taaco funny scale?” 

Angus perked up. “Oh, that’s pretty good! He’s never given me better than a two.” 

“And who knows,” Barry continued, “It very well could be a book about sheep.” He opened the book, and a deafening scream shrieked from the pages. Barry stared at the page for a moment in utter shock and bafflement, before coming to his senses and shutting the tome with a thunderous snap. 

“Huh.” 

“Is that--is that the real Book of Screaming Souls, sir?” 

“Y’know, I think it is.” Barry slid the book back onto the shelf. “I’m gonna just….put this back.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the office, Lydia looked at Edward with a carefully controlled expression on her face. “Brother, dearest, did you put the real, actual Book of Screaming Souls in the lich room?” 

He shrugged defensively. “I thought it’d scare somebody, be good for a laugh or two.” 

“That’s--” she paused dramatically, “--fucking _brilliant_.” She beamed. “Have I told you recently how absolutely brilliant you are?” 

“Just now, actually,” said Edward, “But please, do it again, I don’t mind.” 

“You’re brilliant. Now. Help me shuffle the assignments for next week so we can put the whist club with all the geezers in there and see if they wet their pants.” 

Edward grinned. “You’re pretty genius yourself, Lyd.” 

She laughed. “Of course. We _are_ the greatest twins in all of Faerun, after all.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Fake candles?” said Lup, irascibly. “What, do they think we’re twelve?” 

“I am twelve, ma’am,” said Angus. 

She waved a hand airily. “You’re a _cool_ twelve year old. You’re missing the point, which is these _super lame_ fake candles.” 

“I’m sure they just don’t want us to accidentally burn ourselves while we’re puzzling,” Angus said helpfully. 

“Pssh,” she scoffed. “We signed a waiver, not like we can sue ‘em anyway. Too bad, too, you’re never too young to learn about how to pull off a bogus lawsuit.” 

“Lydia and Edward are my good friends, Lup, I would never sue them,” said Angus reproachfully. “Can we start escaping now?” 

“Sure, sure, just let me set the ambiance first.” She snapped her fingers, and a massive ball of flame engulfed the candelabra.

“Uh...whoops?” 

Angus sighed, unphased, and walked over to the intercom. Sudden fires were not an unusual part of hanging out with Lup. 

“Miss Lydia? Mister Edward, sir? Do you have a fire extinguisher?”

“Why, what do you--oh, shit. Be right there.” said Edward. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Huh,” said Edward. 

“Huh what?”

He furrowed his brow. “Have you checked our Fantasy Yelp reviews lately, Lyd?” 

“No, why? It’s just always people complaining about dumb shit.” 

“Yeah...you should see this.” 

Lydia sighed, holding up the giant stack of paperwork she was drudging through. “You see this, Eddie? How I’m actually working while you look at our boring Fantasy Yelp reviews?” 

“No, seriously. It’s weird. People-- _like_ us.” 

“What?” said Lydia, turning in her chair. “Nobody ever likes us. Our whole business strategy--” she emphased with air quotes, “--is fucking around and making people dumb enough to book us suffer cause we own the building and can do what-fucking-ever we want.” 

“Just--listen to this.” Edward cleared his throat. “Came here with some friends after I saw the post on Fantasy reddit and it’s exactly as promised. The rooms are a real challenge, with clever designs, but the standout feature is the immersive dickishness of the operators. Instead of being hand-held throughout the entire process like other escape rooms, we were berated and laughed at when we asked for a clue and told to “figure it out, dumbasses.” It was awesome! Made for an experience that felt authentic, with real stakes. I’ll definitely be coming back. Five stars.” 

Lydia blinked. “What. The. Fuck?” 

“There’s more.” 

Lydia stood, pacing to the other side of the room before turning around dramatically. “People actually _like_ us being assholes?” 

Edward shrugged. “Apparently. It’s a common theme in reviews from the last week or so. We’re “immersive.” 

“What does that even _mean_?” asked Lydia, throwing up her hands. “We aren’t being immersive, we’re just making fun of people!”

“This one says it ‘Felt like they were escaping from campy 80s supervillains’.” 

Lydia wrinkled her face. “Well. I guess that explains the sudden increase in bookings.” 

“Who knew being terrible business owners would be good for business?” Edward huffed. “How disappointing.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, you just have to escape the room?” said Kravitz. 

“Yes, sir, that’s the idea!” said Angus. “You get locked in, and figure out how to get out!”

“And you _pay_ for this?”

“It is a business,” broke in Edward, smoothly. “Rent, wages, healthcare, you know how it is. Not to mention the work coming up with new challenges. Innovate or stagnate and all that.”

“I see.” said Kravitz, not really seeing at all. 

“We’re ready, sir!” said Angus, jumping up and down. “Is there a new room this week?” 

“Oh yes,” said Lydia. “We worked quite hard on it, I hope you enjoy it.”

“I’m sure I will!” said Angus. “You make the _best_ escape rooms.”

“Right this way,” said Edward, ushering them into the back of the building. “Now, there’s sixty minutes on the clock. Good luck you two.” He locked the door behind him, shutting Angus and Kravitz in the room, which resembled a darkened library. 

“We really just have to get out of the room?” 

“ _Yes_ ” said Angus impatiently. “Come on, let’s look for clues!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edward returned to the control room where Lydia was spinning lazily on a desk chair. “What do you think this time? It’s a tough one.”

She rolled her eyes. “We thought that last time and he was out in 33 minutes. We’ll be lucky if he makes it to forty.”

“He was with that nerdy guy last time though, you know, the one with the ugly pants. He was pretty sharp, this one seems kind of vague. Kept asking what the point was.”

A sudden sharp noise from the monitor drew their attention--the man had pulled out a _scythe_ from somewhere--where on Faerun did he get a scythe??--and opened a rift to the hallway. 

Lydia gaped. “Did he--?”

“That’s--that’s not allowed.” said Edward, groping for the intercom mic and hitting the button to speak. “That’s not allowed! You can't--that’s not allowed!” 

“I’m so sorry, Mister Edward!” said Angus. “I didn’t think he’d--”

Kravitz frowned. “Isn’t the point to escape? I escaped.”

Angus sighed dramatically. “The point is to solve the _puzzles_ , not use your fancy reaper magic, Mister Kravitz.” 

“I see.” Kravitz stepped back through the rift, neatly closing it with his scythe which folded up until it collapsed into nothing. 

“Holy shit,” said Lydia. “What kind of kid is this that he’s friends with a fucking _reaper_.”

Edward shuddered. “Be glad we didn’t put them in the lich room. I doubt he’d accept the explanation that we only keep the Book of Screaming Souls around for the aesthetic these days. 

Lydia snorted. “I don’t know, he looks like a man that can appreciate an aesthetic. He’s wearing a fucking cravat. Still...we really should get rid of those books. Nostalgia for the old days only goes so far, and I am quite happy not being reaped for the dumb shit we got up to as kids.” 

“Let’s burn ‘em,” Edward nodded solemnly. 

“D’you think there’s a statute of limitations on death crimes?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At his usual time, Angus walked in, this time accompanied by a man who barely fit through the door. Angus was wholly dwarfed by him, looking even smaller than usual. 

“Hail and well met!” boomed the man. 

Edward smiled, somewhat strained. “Good afternoon.” 

Angus bounced up and down excitedly. “Hello Mister Edward sir! This is my good friend Magnus. Magnus, this is my friend Edward.” He frowned. “Is Lydia here too, sir?” 

“She’s in back,” said Edward, bemused. “Why, should I fetch her for you?” 

“If you would, please! I want her to meet Magnus too.” 

Edward leaned back in his chair toward the door to the back. “Lydia!” he yelled. “Our favorite boy detective wants to speak to you!” 

“Coming,” she yelled back, and appeared a moment later. “What is it?” 

“Miss Lydia!” said Angus. “I want you to meet my friend Magnus. Magnus, this is Lydia.” 

Magnus smiled. “It’s so great to finally meet you both. I’ve heard so many great things about you two.” 

“Really?” Lydia blinked. She was taken aback but recovered quickly. “It’s a pleasure to meet you as well.” 

“Shall we get you set in your room then?” said Edward. “It’s the new Bank Heist room this time.” 

“Yes, thank you!” said Angus. 

“I’m looking forward to seeing what these escape rooms are all about,” Magnus said warmly. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Did you see the size of that man? Where does the kid get these weirdos from?” 

“D’you think he just has a never-ending supply of adults on deck? None of them are related to him either, from the looks of it.” 

Lydia frowned. “Probably no relations in the picture then. If he had parents around I’m sure we’d have met them by now.” 

“Yeah, probably. Poor kid. He’s awfully young.” said Edward. 

“So were we, Eddie.” 

Edward yawned, stretching his arms behind him. “Sure, but we had each other. Still, kid seems to be doing fine, based on the absolute gaggle of adults he’s traipsed in here with.” 

“Dare we even bet on today’s outcome?” asked Lydia. 

Edward groaned. “I’ll be too sad when we lose again. The brat’s tenacious, I’ll give him that.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angus intently worked on breaking some sort of code. Magnus had done a cursory detective pass around the room, but this wasn’t really his sort of thing and having found what little he could--and being quite aware of Angus’s faintly frustrated tolerance of his attempts--he sat down to watch Angus instead. The settee creaked ominously under his weight, and he frowned. He rocked back and forth experimentally, and the old wood groaned, the legs of the settee wobbling precariously. 

Magnus’ face lit up, and he smiled broadly. _This_ was a puzzle he knew how to solve. 

He turned the settee over, carefully examining the rickety joints, before pulling out his pocket workshop and rummaging around for some tools, which he neatly laid on the floor next to it. 

By the time Angus finished his code, Magnus had already fixed the wobble and was working on adding some carved floral details to the arms. 

“That looks very nice, Mister Magnus.” 

“Pretty good for a rush job,” Magnus said. “Are you done with your escape?” 

“Just about. I just have to unlock the fake chimney with this key,” he said, waving about a large black key. 

“Don’t reckon that’d take you about ten minutes?” asked Magnus. 

“I reckon it could,” Angus said, a slight grin playing at his mouth. “It might take me a _very_ long time to walk across the room.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten minutes later, the settee was in tip top condition, and the two emerged through the back of the chimney (Magnus having to crouch rather low to get through) and into the hall. 

Angus skipped eagerly into the waiting area, Magnus chasing behind him. 

“We don’t give a discount for carpentry services, you know,” said Edward wryly. 

Magnus laughed heartily. “It’s pro boner.” 

Angus rolled his eyes. “Pro bono,” he said. 

“That’s what I said,” insisted Magnus, grinning. “Pro boner.” He winked at Lydia and Edward. 

“I _saw_ that,” said Angus. “I know you’re joshing me.” 

“Huh, so I am,” Magnus said, still smirking. 

“It was a rather neat piece of work you did back there.” said Lydia.

“Well, nothing like good old fashioned labor to get the job done right,” said Magnus amiably. 

Edward sniffed disdainfully. “I’m sure it _works_ , but at what cost? I’m a wizard for a reason, thank you.” 

“D’you think you’ll have a new room next week?” asked Angus. 

Edward and Lydia exchanged a glance. “Hard to say,” said Lydia. “We’re so much busier these days, there’s not enough time in the day to make all the rooms we have ideas for.” 

“We--we thought we might take a bit of a break,” said Edward. “I’m frankly sick to death of trying to devise new kinds of puzzles and tricks, and the thought of tearing down one of the current rooms to set another back up is exhausting.” 

Angus’ face fell, and Lydia hastened to add: “Not forever! Just a break.” 

“Oh, I see,” said Angus quietly. “That makes sense. It’s okay, I’m ungrounded from detective-ing in a few weeks anyway.” 

“Oh, hey,” said Magnus, “Are you guys coming to the cookout tonight?” 

The twins stared blankly at him. “I’m sorry?” said Lydia. 

“The cookout! Angus, didn’t you invite them?” 

Angus’ eyes widened. “Oh! No, I forgot!” 

Magnus wiped his brow dramatically. “Whew, thank goodness we caught that in time! We’re holding a big cookout. Super casual thing, just family and friends, but Taako and Lup are world class chefs so it’s well worth showing up even if you’re just there to mooch the free food,” he winked. 

“Yes, you have to come!” said Angus excitedly. “Cookout days are the _best_.” 

“Here, let me write down the address for ya. D’you have any paper?” 

Edward pushed a pad of paper and a pen across the counter to Magnus. “Well--” he said hesitantly. “If there’s free food, I guess.” 

Magnus clapped him enthusiastically on the shoulder. “That’s the spirit! Besides, y’all haven’t met everyone yet! ‘Creesh has a crazy schedule, she’s been complaining that she’s going to be the last one to get to meet y’all cause she can’t get off work to accompany Angus. She’d eat this escape room stuff up too, it’s exactly the kind of thing she’d be into.” 

Lydia blinked. “Well, uh, in that case--uh. We’ll be there.” 

Magnus beamed, and Angus bounced up and down. “I’m so glad!” said Angus. “It’ll be awesome!” 

“We should get going, huh kiddo?” said Magnus. “Gotta remember to stop by the store and get the groceries Taako asked for or we’re in _big_ trouble.” 

“See you tonight!” said Angus. 

The two walked out the door, the familiar bell chiming as it closed on a stunned Lydia and Edward.

  
“What...the fuck was that?” said Edward. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lydia checked the paper in her hand. “It looks like this is the place,” she said. 

Edward tugged on the bottom of his skirt. “Do we just ring the bell?” 

“How would I know,” Lydia hissed. “I’ve never been to a cookout before either.” 

“Maybe just go around back? It sounds like there’s people outside. Is it weirder to ring the bell or walk around back?” 

“Does it matter? Just pick one.” 

“Me? You pick.” 

Lydia rolled her eyes and marched to the front door, firmly rapping the gargoyle door knocker. Edward trailed behind her. 

The door cracked opened almost instantly, revealing a dwarf man wearing a hawaiian shirt. “No soliciting,” he said, grouchy. 

“We’re--we’re here for the cookout?” Lydia said. 

He blinked at her. “You don’t sound sure.” 

“We’re, uh. We’re friends of Angus.” said Edward. 

“Well I’ve never heard of ya.” 

“Merle, who are you talking to--” said Magnus, appearing behind the dwarf. “Oh, you guys made it! Come in!” He shoved Merle out of the doorway, and swung the door open wide. “Angus will be so happy you two made it.” 

The twins walked inside, Magnus chattering about where they could leave their bags and did they want anything to drink? while Merle stared at them balefully. 

“Don’t mind Merle,” Magnus whispered loudly. “He’s just a crotchety old man who doesn’t like new people.” 

“I heard that,” Merle said. 

Lydia laughed awkwardly. “Well, pleased to meet you either way, Merle. I’m Lydia.” 

“And I’m Edward.” said Edward, sticking out his hand for Merle to shake--which was blatantly ignored. 

“Anyway,” said Magnus. “Let’s head out back where the action is! Taako and Lup are competing for the title of grill master today so they’re really going all out.” 

He led them through the house and out onto a big deck which had two enormous shiny grills staring each other down from opposite sides. Taako and Lup stood at their respective stations, calling insults across the deck to each other. Tables and chairs were sprawled haphazardly all across the middle of the deck, and seated among them were a handful of faces Edward and Lydia recognized, as well as a fair few they didn’t. 

“Edward! Lydia!” Angus yelled, bouncing out of his chair. “You came!” 

Lydia rubbed the back of her neck. “Of-of course.” 

“How could we miss this?” said Edward. “Mooching off of other people’s hospitality?” 

“Good call,” said Barry. “It’d be a crime to miss out on Lup’s cooking. She’s the best, aren’t you babe?” he said fondly. 

“You know it!” she called. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Taako. “Krav, honey, light of my life, are you just going to let them talk like that? Defend my honor!” 

Kravitz smiled. “Taako’s cooking is, of course, superior in every way,” he told Edward and Lydia. 

“They’re both really good,” chimed in Angus. “You’ll just have to eat everything and decide!” 

“It’ll be good to have some fresh votes for the annual grill competition,” said a woman with short white hair. “As you can see, it’s rather biased around here. I’m Lucretia, by the way,” she said, standing up to shake hands. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you two.” 

“A pleasure to meet you as well.” 

“Come, sit down,” said Magnus. “Angus, why don’t you introduce everyone?” 

“Yes, of course!” He pointed at each person in turn. “This is Carey, and Killian, and this is Davenport, and Hurley and Sloane! I think you’ve met everyone else already?” he asked. Lydia nodded. “Everyone, these are my very good friends Edward and Lydia who run the escape rooms!” 

Pleasantries were exchanged, and Lydia and Edward sat down and settled themselves. 

“So, what’s the prize for winning grill master?” Lydia asked. 

“Bragging rights, mostly,” said Magnus. “And the official Grill Master apron, of course.” 

Lucretia sighed. “That apron has been the bane of my existence ever since you first laid eyes upon it.” 

“It says ‘Eat My Meat’ on it,” said Angus helpfully. 

Edward laughed. “I can see why the competition is so fierce then.” 

“Food’s up!” said Taako and Lup, nearly simultaneously as they whisked big platters filled with all manner of grilled food onto the tables (arguing about who got done grilling first the whole time). There wasn’t just the standard grilled fare of hamburgers and hot dogs, but also all manner of sausages, grilled vegetables, and even grilled fruits. 

“Help yourselves,” said Magnus, handing them each a plate. They went wild, piling their plates high before settling back down to tuck in. For a while, everything was quiet as everyone focused on the feast in front of them, but soon enough conversation trickled back in. Edward and Lydia just enjoyed their food, letting the banter and jokes wash over them. 

“So, you run the Wonderland Escape Rooms?” said Davenport. 

Lydia swallowed. “Yes, we do.” 

“That’s an interesting line of work. How’d you get into that?” he asked. 

Edward and Lydia glanced at each other. “It’s...kind of a long story,” said Edward. 

“To make it short, about the time we really started to need an out from our...previous employment...we inherited it from an uncle we barely knew existed. I guess we were the last blood relations or something,” said Lydia. “We figured it was as good a place as any to lie low and figure things out.” 

“I see,” said Davenport. “Well, you certainly seem to have made the best of it. Angus raves about your escape rooms.” 

Edward snorted. “I find that hard to believe. The kid absolutely demolishes ‘em.” 

“He is rather exceptional.” 

“I felt pretty bad telling him we need a break earlier,” said Lydia. “But god is trying to keep up with the latest puzzle innovations exhausting. I’ve read more issues of Puzzler Monthly than I ever wanted to know existed.” 

“You should get Angus to make your puzzles for you,” interjected Merle, who’d apparently been eavesdropping. “Bet the twerp would love that.” 

“That’s--not a bad idea,” said Edward. “It’d sure be a lot less depressing than constantly getting bested by a twelve year old.” 

“We haven’t managed to stump him once,” said Lydia. “Most folks ask for help at least a couple times to make it out.” 

“That’s a good idea, Merle,” said Davenport. “I’m sure we’d all be happy to see him continue to have a safer diversion than hunting down dangerous criminals.” 

Just then, Angus climbed onto a table and started ringing a bell. “Okay, everyone, it’s time to determine the Grill Master! Please, present your arguments!” 

A massive uproar broke out, each side arguing passionately and chaotically with the other for why their pick should be the grill master of the year--lead, of course, by Barry and Kravitz, and egged on by Taako and Lup. Angus was shouting as well, pleading for everyone to go one at a time to no avail. It was loud, and crowded, and familial--things Lydia and Edward usually avoided like the plague. 

Today though, well, today they sat back in their chairs, looked at each other, and smiled. 

**Author's Note:**

> I had an absolute blast writing this, it was such an interesting challenge to create a scenario where the Wonderland twins get to be happy. Of course, I'm always a sucker for found family and Angus McDonald :D
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading!


End file.
